Thoughts on Marriage in India

Interview group, Feb 2

I was so fortunate on this trip to have been connected with twenty-one young women to interview/survey on the topic of marriage, and many more people who gave insight and shared their stories with me. A few people have asked if I got the data that I expected. I really didn't go with any preconceived notions about marriage in India, besides what I knew about the traditions, and the fact that they were changing. How, I wasn't sure. Here are some of the basics of what I've learned, focusing on educated, middle class communities through the eyes of young women.

Arranged marriage is still very much the norm for many people. By no means has it gone away and been replaced by an individualistic Western model. However the "old form" of arranging marriages, in which the "boy" and "girl" meet once formally before the wedding, is seen as antiquated. Girls today prefer to weed out their suitors on their own, knowing what requirements their parents would place on finding a match. Then, they prefer to get to know the boy for months or even years - as boyfriend and girlfriend - before starting to discuss marriage arrangements. If they meet a boy through their parents or community (euphemism for same religious, ethnic, and caste background) they would also expect to have as much time as they need to get to know him before consenting to marriage. The girls trust their parents and for the most part accept the benefits of marrying within the community.

Uncommon PDA at Bandra
station overpass

When marriage arrangements are discussed, Indians appear to be much more practical that we would ever be. For instance, instead of asking if the boy likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain, a young Indian girl wants to find out what will their living arrangements be? Will they move in with the in-laws? What time does he go to work? Will he have trouble with her working as well? Will they have a house servant? Will he expect her to cook every day?

The girls look forward to finding a mate who is educated, financially stable, and who will support her. The girls stress that education leads to a host of other desired qualities such as a broadened perspective, more tolerant and "modern," and more gender equality in the home. They want boys who will understand them and support them emotionally. Even when the boys' mothers argue with them, they want their husbands to take their side.

I was surprised to find several girls who flatly refused to marry a boy from their own community. They explained this by pointing to problematic issues they've seen or experienced - like alcoholism and abuse - that they wanted to stay away from. In these cases, they generally prefer to find someone who shares their religious background, only not from their region of origin.

Although many girls said they would be open to finding a love match from any community, when we got down to details, most would prefer to stay within their own religion. This is likely due to the web of social and legal ramifications linked to marriage and religion. Diets, daily practices, and religious and cultural responsibilities are all factors. However, the law can also be esoteric. For instance, two completely different sets of marriage laws govern Hindu and Muslim marriages. Hindu girls cannot legally marry until 18 years old, according to the Hindu Marriage Act (1955) and a later amendment called the Child Marriage Restraint Act (1978). (This also includes Jains, Buddhists and Sikhs which are considered off-shoots of Hinduism.) However, Muslim girls may marry younger due to cultural expectations, and the State looks the other way. If a young Muslim bride under 18 needs to get out of an abusive relationship, she has no legal rights to do so under the Marriage Act.

The Wedding Car, ready to take the
new couple from the reception

Nearly 100% of the girls said that the best time for them to get married would be after they have already started their own career. They stressed the importance of having some financial independence from their husbands. This population of young women does not accept a future in which all their energies will be concentrated on the household, but one in which their own ambitions and needs will be met as well. Having some independence was a recurring theme - one young woman's parents have even purchased homes for both her and her sister, to keep throughout their lives for security. She plans to rent out the house; however, should things ever go sour with her future husband ("If he ever kicks me out"), she will have a place to go of her own.

In thinking toward the future, most girls would allow their future children to marry whom they wish. I provided these categories for girls to consider of which they might accept a future son or daughter in-law:  foreigner, Indian of another religion, Indian of different caste, Indian from different native place/state, or divorcee/widower. Surprisingly, the category of divorcee or widower was the least popular. One girl specified that she "just wouldn't be comfortable." However, many of the respondents felt they would allow their child to marry whomever they wished, in any of these categories.

This openness to inter-community marriage contrasts directly with the marriages of these girls' parents. With few exceptions, their parents marriages were arranged, or some mixture of an arranged and a self-initiated match. In some cases their parents were set up by a matchmaker, but in most their marriages were arranged more informally by word of mouth through the community: "Hey, my daughter is available, do you know anyone?"

Matrimonial ads in the Sunday paper

It's clear that from one generation to the next, thinking has shifted from only "What is best for the family?" to "What is good for both the family and my child?" At least, this seems to be true in an educated population, in the most cosmopolitan city in India. I imagine the story would be quite different among lower socio-economic classes in Mumbai as well as in the villages that make up the rest of the country.

As part of my sabbatical, I will be developing a presentation, article and lesson plan to share with teachers who might like to include some of this updated material in their curricula. I promise to make it available by early summer (that's when it's due). For me, it will be nice to see how the new data complements and sheds new light on the classic Serena Nanda material.